January 24, 2009

Struggles I'm Dealing With

Hebrews 4:16 ~ Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

2 Corinthians 12:9 ~ "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

Many of you know I have been going through the wringer - inside I have been okay until last night I actually cried and prayed for 2 hours. My strength does come from the Lord. When I pray for myself it seems like I just touch the surface, prayer to me is always about others first me last. I can't remember that last time I prayed for me like I did last night. I know others are praying for me, so I think I don't need too, I am wrong we need to pray for ourselves as well. We are to carry one an others' burdens - we are to give it all to the Lord including our personal needs.

Here's what's been going on:

The passing of little Nikolas has affected us all - I go to their blog and I still cry - I feel the pain that Siv is going through - it almost feels like I lost another child - a feeling I can't explain.

Tuesday: I got my test results back from the breast surgery good news -No Cancer thank you Lord. It turns out I had an infection brewing with blocked ducts. Thanks to a great surgeon the blocked ducts were removed and the antibiotics will take away the infection.

Thursday my PCP informs me I have Dawn Phenomenon - it is where my body decides to raise my sugars in the middle of the night - so when I wake up and test my fasting sugars they are high. I have been in tight control of my diabetes since I was dx'd last yr. When I asked her if I will be able to get off some of the meds she said "sorry" it's genetic for you, you have no control. So now I have to take more meds this is so frustrating. I can't exercise so I have to watch everything I eat. I have lost 5 lbs since Nov. that is good.

Friday I decided I need a break - so I went downstairs to the Garden Room and learned how to play a card game called hand and foot. You got a wood board to hold all the cards which was good for me. There was 6 of us I being the youngest and eldest was 91. I had a great time. I got to my apt. and had a message on my phone to call the hematologist.

I called them back only for them to tell me I am not therapeutic yet - it's been 10 days since surgery and I should be above 2.0. I can't get there if my life depends on it. I watch everything I eat making sure it does not contain Vitamin K. Even increasing my blood thinners isn't helping, still I'm only at 1.7 on surgery day I was 1.0. I don't get it, she was understanding but what could she say except we need to increase your meds again.

Next Week:

Tuesday: I see the Neurologist to make the necessary final steps before neck surgery - getting more Prednisone and antibiotics prior to, filling out all the paper work and find out if I need to go to a rehab place etc....

Wednesday: I will be having blood work done to see why the Von Willis Brand (bleeding disorder) and the lupus anticoagulant (clotting disorder) are causing havoc in my body. I'm even bleeding a lot from my finger pokes.

Thursday: I go see the PH Dr. and begin treatment for my exercise induced PH, of course that does mean more meds. Please forgive me I am not complaining about taking the meds I am just get tired of taking so many them - I know many of you take a lot more than me.

Friday: I will go to church to do the attendance folders come home and sleep the rest of the weekend. I think I will need it after my long week.

That is it - that's what's going on - I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel, it feels like a long way off. I am not trying to complain about my life, I think I finally woke up and realized all that is going on and I am in more need than I thought.

I know that God's grace is helping me get through all this, there is no way I could do it by myself, I just needed to verbalize what is going on. He never promised us a rose garden without the thorns. Thanks for reading, I'll post when I can, love Deb.

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